I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
