you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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