fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
