You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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