Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
