White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
