I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
