I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
