Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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