How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
