the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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