I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
