there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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