I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize