I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
