A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
