i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
