the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
