this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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