if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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