My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
