new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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