I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
