Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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