Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
