i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
