You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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