Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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