I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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