why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
