The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Alive.
So much puke
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
