I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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