she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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