I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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