my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
My cat gives me a boner
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
