I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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