I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
