I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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