i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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