I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
