I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
