I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i can't believe i had my finger in that
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Randomize
