Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
