woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
