i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize