Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
