We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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