I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
