I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
