I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Houston, we have a blender
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
