I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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