If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
