when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
