The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
