Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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