His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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