He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
