so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
