careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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