I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
When did angry sex become our thing?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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