Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My bed smells like the plague
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
