I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
