i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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