I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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